“Still worshipping God?
The last time I heard he’d started worshipping me!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
There is a sudden explosion and flash, the doors fly open, masonry falls from the ceiling, as does a rope, and Flashheart appears in the corridor. He is the most glamorous man in the world.Flashheart
Flashheart comes down the corridor, knocking over two suits of armour. He enters the chamber.
Flash by name. Flash by nature!
The doors close
Where have you been?
Where haven’t I been? (He is referring to every girl in the world) But I’m here now, and … who is that?
He looks at Percy in total horror.
No idea, but he’s in your place.
Not for long.
He draws his sword and hands it to Baldrick. He then pushes Percy through the doors and takes his sword back.
Thanks, bridesmaid. Like the beard, gives me something to hang on to.
So my old mate Eddie’s getting hitched, eh? What’s the matter? Can’t stand the pace of the In-Crowd!
(He turns to Queenie)
Hi, Queenie, you look sexy. Woof! But listen, wear your hair long, I prefer it that way.
He pulls a pin out of Queenie’s hair, some falls down attractively.
I’ve got such a crush on him!
Hey, Melchy! Still worshipping God?
Last thing I heard, he’d started worshipping me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Nursie – I like it, firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you, or did I put a canoe in my pocket. Down, boy, down!
Nursie laughs. Percy’s head appears through the smashed door and Flashheart bops him again.
And now, where’s this amazing bird, the one who’s stopped my old pal Eddie doing exactly what he wants ten times a night.
Flash, let me introduce my fiancee, Kate.
Flashheart sees Kate and they twirl to a kissing position.
They kiss passionately.
She’s got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man’s tonsils. You don’t want to marry this jerk, baby. Meet me on my horse in eight seconds.
They release each other.
But I can’t run in this frock. You see, I’ve found I actually prefer wearing boys’ clothes.
Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress!
I’ve got a plan, and it’s as hot as my pants!
Blackadder is meanwhile talking to Percy.
What a man Flash is. Things will certainly liven up round here now he’s back, won’t they, Flash?
He turns to Flashheart, but he and Kate seem to have disappeared. But in an instant they are back. Flashheart in a dress and Kate in tunic and trousers.
So long, suckers! Next time you’re bored with your lives, give me a call and I’ll come round and kill you.
Bye, Edmund, and thanks for everything.
And in a flash they are gloriously gone. Smoke settles on the amazed assembly, then Melchett has an idea with which he is very pleased.
It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the bridesmaid. I presume you will honour this.
He glances at Baldrick, who is looking seductively his way. The end of the world is nigh.